The Emerging Me

8 Jan

There’s a time when I remember who I am or rather, who I want to be. There are moments when I sit back and let her come through. All of her laughter, all of her tears. She wakes me up in the middle of the night with her memory. It washes over me like a lavender bath. She smiles broadly. She is afraid but not scared. She likes a good joke and laughes at herself on many occassions. She reads a lot and soaks up knowledge as if she were a sponge. Her eyes are a deep blue and shine through to her soul. Her passions overwhelm her at times because there are too many of them to count. She likes those moments where life seems so succulent that it becomes amazing and too much all at once. Joy is her friend. Mirth is her food. She’s honest and true to herself and isn’t afraid of what others think. The strangest things come out of her mouth but most of the time they are really hilarious. She makes connections and doesn’t forget to breathe. Panic attacks don’t define her. Worry does not strangle her. Self-doubt has not crept its way into her subconscious and so it does not determine her actions. Instead, she is free. She is herself. She likes people and all of their idiosyncricies. She sees them all differently and appreciates their various perspectives. Her life is filled with purpose and she loves deeply and truly and freely. She lets life be its messy, wonderful self and she doesn’t mind that sometimes it keeps its outcomes hidden. Because like a winding road through the mountains, life’s curves keep her guessing and make the ride worthwhile.

There are times I see myself as God created me to be. There are times I dream of a me that’s deep within but still stays hidden until I let her be. On days like today when I ride bikes on the beach and remind myself of what it’s like to take my hands off the handlebars, breathe in the cloudy beach air, and sit and laugh, I grow closer to her. She is there. Always there. Waiting to emerge. Hoping I’ll let her come out and frolic for a little while. Today I gave her permission. 2011 will be the year when she is rediscovered. And she will be my joy.

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