Prime: Am I In It Or About To Be?

2 Aug

I’m finally ready to repaint my room. I’ve chosen a color but had never gotten around to putting it on the wall yet. I didn’t have the man power, the time, or even the courage. I’m getting help and soon my room will be entirely primed and painted so that I can begin the process of transforming it into the home that I need it to be for me in this season.

 

In beginning this repainting process, I wrote words on my wall that I wanted to define me. Peace. Patience. Self Control. Kindness. Joy. Love. They are now painted over ever so slightly with a lighter green. I like knowing that underneath my new green layers, I laid the foundation for what I want my room to be about. Who I want to be. I want to be a woman of grace. I want to exude patience. I want to breathe deeply and take in life. I want to feel my feelings but not have them take me over.

 

Priming is the first step of painting. You get things ready so that when the paint goes on, it will go on evenly. You can’t skip this step or your walls won’t turn out smooth. I think God primes us, too. I’m in a priming season. Being prepared for something that is next. Not sure what that is, but I know I need to embrace this process. Fall is coming. The shedding of leaves. Summer is still here so I can’t look ahead too far, but I know in the distance, there will be something new. And now if I waste all of this time avoiding the priming, the walls of my life will not come out evenly and I will have missed a great opportunity.

 

I heard something today from a co-worker. It was about avoiding grief. Her counselor told her that the reason she has been so afraid was because she had avoided dealing with the loss of her friends, brother-in-law, and others who have died around her. She is now having to go back and re-aquaint herself with this grief in order that she will not become one of those death-fearing people for her daughter’s sake. I get that. I have grieved for real recently. So many times in the past I have avoided pain. I’ve replaced. I’ve tried to mask. I’ve displaced it with anger, excitement, busyness, or something else just so that I wouldn’t have to feel it. Since I’ve tried everything else in the past, I decided this time would be different.

 

In this priming season, I’m walking my grief out. I’m crying when it hurts. Facing the pain and not running away. When I dream of the past, I tell myself it’s going to be okay, even if I still don’t believe it after all of this time. I talk to myself. It’s getting better. Slowly. Too slowly sometimes, which is where “patience” comes in. I need it. So did my room.

 

The can of paint is heavy and yet full of unopened possibility. I will stir the thick contents before applying them to my walls. Paint will cover over where there were dents or holes. It will make everything look fresh and new. And isn’t that like God? To make all things new. Sometimes I wonder how and if he will do this for me. And then I remember all of the times before when he has. People keep telling me and I keep believing that I am in a desert season. But I think I’ll rename that. I think instead, I will call it a priming season. Maybe that’s where the phrase, “in her prime” came from. That’s where I want to be. In my prime. So instead of avoiding the grief and the pain of being primed, I will try to welcome it. Because soon my walls will be refreshed and colored in and I will be able to rejoice in the fact that this process, which has taken so long, will have been worth the wait.

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